


Pointy, Evil and Malignant

by inevitableentresol



Category: Addams Family - All Media Types, 逆転裁判 | Gyakuten Saiban | Ace Attorney
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-06
Updated: 2014-06-06
Packaged: 2018-02-03 15:48:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1750061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inevitableentresol/pseuds/inevitableentresol
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for the prompt: Ace Attorney/Addams family crossover. Phoenix and Maya visit the Addams family. Maya fits right in, but Phoenix's hair gets complimented for all the wrong reasons.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pointy, Evil and Malignant

"Your hair, Mr. Wright," Morticia says. "I compliment you on it. It’s so delightfully pointy, evil and malignant."

"Uh, thanks—I guess?" Phoenix isn't sure if that really counts as a compliment. He’s gotten a lot of remarks about his hair in the past, but never anything about its moral stance.

"So fierce and brutal," Morticia strokes the ends of his hair. Phoenix shivers a little. Morticia Addams is a good looking lady. He’d go so far as beautiful. Although he’s met her husband as well, Gomez Addams, and had a terrifying demonstration of flamboyant sword play from that quarter, so Phoenix hopes the fondling is going to go no further than this.

“Have you impaled any small animals on these beautiful spikes recently?" Morticia purrs.

“Uh… no.”

“Really? It seems a shame to waste such potential. Gomez, doesn’t Mr. Wright have a delicious… coiffure?”

Phoenix spins around in alarm. Morticia’s husband is reclining in the doorway, his arms crossed, and with an expression that is dark-lidded and low.

“My darling, Morticia. Say that again. You know I can’t resist it when you speak French to me.”

“Coiffure,” Morticia says, deliberately. She rolls each r and lengthens each vowel. Phoenix doesn’t know what’s going on here at all. “Ses cheveaux est si épineux,” Morticia says. “Monsieur Wright est comme un hérisson.”

“Darling!” Gomez lets his eyes mist with delight. “Cara mia! Let us join as one right now!”

Phoenix has a very bad feeling about this, but apparently Mr. Addams didn’t mean anything untoward by that offer—except, that is than to join as one in the assault on Phoenix’s head. Soon there are two sets of hands on his hair rather than just a single pair of them.

“What’s going on.” A deadpan young voice comes from the doorway’s direction.

“Wednesday! Join us here!” says Gomez. “We’re welcoming Mr. Wright to our household. We’re worshipping his hair! So pointy—so delightful! Apparently, this is how they do it where he comes from.”

“Not really…” Phoenix says, but it makes no difference. Wednesday Addams is perhaps thirteen years old, and a good few feet shorter than Phoenix. He has to kneel so she can comfortably reach him.

Soon, Phoenix’s hair is being manhandled not only by Morticia, Gomez and Wednesday, but a worrying bald man they call Uncle Fester, and then a round kid in a striped shirt called Pugsley. Phoenix is just about to draw the line at a disembodied hand that scuttled in across the floor, when Maya appears at the doorway. Her mouth drops low.

“Nick, what the… what are you doing?”

“We adore your strange customs!” Gomez tells her. “It’s fascinating! Enchanting! Mr. Wright has just been explaining how you say hello where you come from!”

“Help me,” Phoenix mouths to her, silently.

“I’m not sure we’re doing this correctly yet.” says Wednesday. Her eyes are dead pools of darkness. “Are we, Ms, Fey? It doesn’t feel nearly aggressive enough.” 

Maya looks at Phoenix. She’s mostly recovered from the shock of the scene. She tries not to break out into laughter. Phoenix is submerged under the sea of hands paying tribute to his hair. “Okay…” Maya says. “You’re mostly getting the idea. But you’re greeting him pretty formally. So you want to know how you say hello to someone a bit more casually where we come from? Although… you could call the second way more aggressive as well.”

“Tell me,” Wednesday says, immediately. “I want to know.”

“Dear girl,” Gomez says. “Do fill us in!” 

“Mais bien sûr,” says Morticia, silkily, with an answering groan from her husband.

“If you really want to say hello to someone more casually,” Maya says, “like you want to be friends with them, then you should keep doing what you’re doing now, but you also have to shout ‘objection!’ at them, real loud!”

“How superb,” Gomez says. “What irony. For in fact, none of us object to becoming friends with Mr. Wright. Objection!” he yells, suddenly. Phoenix winces hard.

“Objection,” purrs Morticia, in a rich French accent.

“Objection!” shout the rest of them, as one.

“Objection!” shouts Maya, and goes to join in with their holiday on Phoenix’s spikes. “I know we’re already friends, Nick, but for some reason I just have to do this.” Maya grins and takes a large deep breath. “Ob-jection!”


End file.
